Roar ain't Enough to Make a Good Bleat

The sun is peeping between the chains of mountains. The golden orange cotton cloud is gradually eating the light blue expanse. Life is starting to fill the surroundings—chickens clucking, birds chirping, goats bleating.

Unique, the outcast tiger cub, cheerfully jumps off his flattened thick grass bed and greets the baby goats good morning.

The kids, with their unkempt clumpy fur, look at each other and laugh at Unique in chorus.

Unique was found by mother goat alone, wounded, and helpless in the prairie, so she decided to bring him home and to raise him well like her own.

It's been months already since unique lived, played, and worked with them but the goat's ways just fail to be imprinted upon him.

He cannot bleat like how the goats bleat. He doesn't like the taste of the meals of the goats, but he just keeps it to himself. His coat and body structure is different from the goat kids he plays with.

The kids always make fun of Unique because he is different—big and guttural voice, stripy fur, thick but few whiskers, big paws, sharp claws, stocky body. So Unique thinks that he is ugly; he is unacceptable; he is weak; he is cursed. Unique becomes the laughing stock in the prairie.

Unique starts to develop self-pity and inferiority complex, and other self-images that breed negative attitudes. The once cheerful and friendly unique now becomes aloof and insecure.

One day when the goats and Unique go up the mountain to play. Each brings a bag full of leaves and grass since the season is dry.

The goats laugh at the way Unique walks and the way his tail moves. Unique cannot talk back since they will just keep on laughing, this time at the way he bleats. So Unique contains the anger in his throat. When the goats start to get tired from playing on their way up, they start eating their food. Unique, on the other hand, is still full of energy and his food still untouched, partly because he doesn’t like it.

When they are halfway through up, the goats' bags are already almost empty. They ask Unique for some food as his bag is still full. Unique refuses to share his every time they ask him for some food.

Unique's back is starting to ache while the goats are starting to feel hungry and weak, yet the goats keep playing and laughing on their way up as they keep on making fun of Unique's manners of walking and bleating and his seemingly unflagging strength. The heavy throb in his chest makes him want to tear them apart; but the voice of his mother goat talking in his mind stops him so.

Seeing a river, they all stop for a drink. Unique sees his reflection on the glaring, clear, slow running water. He realizes not only are his voice and coat different from theirs but also his face and size. Unique feels even uglier and more insecure after seeing his reflection. He feels so inferior and unblessed.

To make himself feel better, he seals his bag so tightly so the leaves and grass will not fall from it as they climb and so the goats will feel the pain he feels even just by means of hunger. Unique feels bad about what he is doing to his brothers and friends; but his anger and insecurity shoot up that he'd rather see them hungry than share food with them.

Some of the goats faint as they move up the hardly trailed ridge; others stop at some point to find food; until only Unique remains walking up with aching back and all alone.

Unique reaches the pinnacle, and no-one else.

Unique looks around. He stares at the vastness of the field below. He realizes how big the world is and how ugly and weak and different and lonely he is.

In his sadness, Unique sobs. Until he cries so hard that his voice trembles til it cracks a roar. Unique is surprised of what he hears. He gets scared of the voice coming from within. Another roar comes out of his throat. He chuckles in curiosity and fear. He thinks the monster inside him is coming out due to his uncontained anger. He just cannot control it, he keeps on roaring as he cries in pity and fear.

To his surprise, a bleat fades in with the gush of the wind from behind. It is mother goat trying to comfort him and thank him. All the while, mother goat was following them as they played and climbed unaware.

"Don't be sad because you're different," quips mother goat. "Unique, you are special. You will never be like any of us no matter how hard you try because you were born bigger, stronger, and faster. Thank you for doing your best to be one of us."

Unique’s sadness now melts to confusion as to why his mother goat is saying he is special and is thanking him. Before he talks in disbelief and further skepticism, mother goat tells him the truth—how she found him and who he really is.

"I love you that's why I brought you home and cared for you. I saw your goodness and potentials that's why I trusted you in a lot of things, including how gently and carefully you treat your brother goats, who belittle you and laugh at your differences," says mother goat.

"You are meant to do other things than what we are doing. Your brothers are surely better than you in doing our thing. Your roar will never be good enough a bleat. All this is because you are born for another thing. Listen to the beat of your heart, it is telling you who you are," added mother goat in assurance.

Unique brushes his face on the face of his mother goat. He is moved by the sincerity of his mother goat's words and the love she has shown him since the day he can remember.

Now Unique forgives his brother goats and friends, and most importantly, he forgives himself. He now embraces who he is and starts to unlearn his unfounded self-image as he begins to build a new self-image established on acceptance(of who he is), gratitude(for what he has), and forgiveness(for what his self-pity and insecurity made him to be).

"Go out in the open field, my son. Discover your voice, your strength, your beauty, and your role and place in the field," mother goat encourages Unique.

In gratitude and respect, Unique thanks mother goat and kisses her goodbye.

Unique checks, once more, his reflection on  the river. He practices his unsteady roar and runs and leaps as he reaches the vast open field. Unique feels the lightness and joy of being his own self. He now appreciates his strength, his size, and the purpose of the stripes of his coat.

Still in awe of his abilities and potentials, he realizes that the reason why his back ached as they climbed the mountain is not because he was lacking energy but because he never unloaded his "baggage" due to trumped up self-pity, insecurity, anger, and selfishness.

Now, as Unique accepts his whole being—both what he can and cannot do—he also gains self-respect.

xxx

Friends, go out, experience the world, and push yourself to the limit... Perhaps the reason why you feel awkward or your voice cannot be understood or others see you differently or you don't fit in is simply because you are different... Be bold. Your "bleat" will never be good enough if you are meant to "roar." Discover what you are made of, treat yourself as how you are to the eyes of your Creator, and grow where you should be. Seize the day as how He sees you!"

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I am so happy I am here again! I have been very busy, happily busy, for the past few months that I was not able to write an article... I have a list of entries to write, though. I just need to buy time to sit and type. For now, enjoy the fable :-)

Flash Fiction: A Walk in the Park that Turned into a Lifetime Journey

Listening to Our Voices with Eagerness; Learning Our Views to Enlighten us; Laughing at Our Vanity for Entertainment; Living up Our Vows for Eternity. Just LOVING.

 The sun was up so bright, I decided to take a walk and catch fresh air in the park. His voice caught my attention, "Miss, you have twigs on your hair." Eagerly and gently, he helped me pluck the twigs. Next thing I knew, we were talking and laughing as we walked through the parade of colorful spring trees.

Never did I think I would find my wingless angel, a heaven-sent man who would share the joy of living and love me despite and in spite of me on that random day in the park. Only he can tickle me with his funny jokes, empower me with his simple words of motivation, bring out the youth in me with his fun-loving character, effortlessly inspire me by his example, and make me appreciate my self-worth by his unconditional and ever gentle love. With zeal and joy, he courts me every single day even after our wedding, assuring me that we will grow wiser together til our hairs turn white.

Falling in love with him was the most wonderful feeling I ever experienced. Ultimate joy of living made real by his presence. Til our last breath I promise to love him through actions and words. Untiringly loving, appreciating, caring, supporting, balancing him are what I dedicated myself into. Revisiting the walks in the park, reminiscing our challenges and victories, and rekindling our youthful love are what we do now that our hairs are gray. Every joyful thing and more...

Listening to Our Voices with Eagerness;

Learning Our Views to Enlighten us;

Laughing at Our Vanity for Entertainment;

Living up Our Vows for Eternity.

Just LOVING.

Flash Fiction: Wind Up

The scent of the crisp air brushing through my cheeks. The silhouette of the past that plays in my mind. The rhythm of the raindrops that outruns the beating of my heart. I let the weird yet familiar stimuli seep through me.

I take a sip of coffee. I taste the sweetness of beautiful lies. I recognize the piquancy of the bitter empty promises. Oh, the il dolce e l’amaro of the good things gone bad.

Images run faster than lightning in my head. Words play quicker than a bullet train in my ear.

 

I let all the emotions stir me up. I am like a bomb exploding anytime.

I breathe deeply. I pause… long pause, and I smile.

I realize I don’t know where exactly I am now… but I am sure I am no longer where I was.

I snap my fingers. Empty my cup of coffee. Stand up from the chair we used to sit on… and all the shadows of the past just fall like leaves in autumn.

All things wind up.

So I tell myself,

“Life, you are wonderful! Whatever flavors the season brings, bring it on!

Surprise my senses!

Provoke me.

Enthrall me.

Teach me.

So my senses may learn to dance with you.”

Kape

Nagsimula sa isang tasa ng kape.

Paikot-ikot sa kama, hindi ako makatulog. Marami na akong naipasalamat sa Kanya, hiniling, at ihiningi ng tawad. Alas dos na ng madaling araw, hindi pa rin ako dinadalaw ng antok.

Nakatulala sa madilim na silid, bigla kang pumasok sa isip ko. Napangiti. Napaisip. Tumawa. Umiyak.

Ikaw ang nag-iisang lalake na sobra kong kasundo kahit madalas kaduwelo. Madalas ipinagmamalaki mo ako at bida sa paningin mo kahit numero uno mo akong tagapanggulo at kadebate.

Sa tuwing nadidismaya ka sa akin, walang patumpik-tumpik mong tinatawag ang pansin ko--mapatext, mapatawag, o mapaharap-harapan.

"Mahal kita kaya ayaw kong napapasama ka," lagi mong banat. Sasagot ako at agad mong sasabihin, "Yan ka nanaman eh, ijujustify mo pa. Makinig ka sa akin. Sa tingin mo ba maririnig mo sa iba ang maririnig mo sa akin? Hindi ka sasabihan ng iba na 'tatanga tanga ka minsan'." Sabay tatawa ka at yayakapin ako.

Ikaw lang, pwera sa nanay at tatay ko, ang gustong gusto ng buo kong pangalan at aliw na aliw na tawagin akong 'Christy' (dahil alam mo ayaw kong tinatawag ako non), pero ipapakilala sa mga kaibigan ng 'Faith' habang natatawa kang banggitin ito dahil lagi kang sanay na inaasar ako... hanggang 'Potpot' na lang ang pagpapakilala mo sabay sabi 'baby ko pare.'

Sobra kitang namimiss.

Namimiss ko ang tatawagan mo ako ng disoras ng gabi, lalo na sa disoras ng gabi sa sumunod na araw pagtapos ng kaarawan mo. Tatawag ka para singilin ako na di kita binati. "Taun-taon mo na lang kinakalimutan!" (Sa totoo lang hindi ko nakalimutan ang birthday mo dahil days before nito tanda ko na at nakaalarm pa sa phone ko. Ang batiin ka ang nakakalimutan kong gawin. Ngayon sigurado ako alam mo yan).

Namimiss ko na din ang ititiext kita kahit anong oras ng araw at magugulat ka na lang na nagtext ako matapos ang maraming buwan. "May tanong ako..." "May sasabihin ako sayo..." "Alam mo ba..." "Oist! Miss na kita..." "Ipagpray mo ako kasi..." "Kamusta na? Balita?"

Namimiss ko na din ang paghintayin ka ng ilang oras, minsan araw, lingo, buwan na ang lumipas di ako dumating... Sa muli nating pagkikita, papakainin mo pa ako ng marami, magkikwentuhan tayo at tawanan, tapos pagbusog na pagsasabihan mo ako. Wala na akong lusot kasi, loko ka, binusog mo na ako at kokonsensyahin.

Miss na kita, loko ka! Kanina pa ako tumitingin sa paligid pero di kita makita. Kailangan ko pang pumikit para makita ka sa dilim.

Hai... Ikaw ang taong kakampi ko sa lahat at hindi ako pinahiya sa harap ng mga tao. Laging papuri at biruan, pero hindi mo ako nilaglag o kinucha kahit ilang beses kitang nabigo.

Ikaw ang sumbungan ko at kakampi. Ikaw ang tagapagtanggol ko kahit dalawa lang tayo ang magkausap at nakakarinig at di mo kilala ang kinikwento ko. Naalala ko pa, ang sarap ng tawanan natin sa mga arte natin.

Sa tuwing mapapagalitan ako ni mama ikaw ang lawyer ko o kaya peace negotiator. Hindi mo ako dinidiin pag napapagsabihan. Pero pagtayong dalawa na lang, mahaba pa sa sermon ng tunay na pari ang litanya mo.

Ikaw ang kadabate ko. Ikaw ang tanungan ko. Ikaw ang kasagutan ko. Ikaw ang labasan ko ng sama ng loob. Anong klaseng usapan man, lagi tayong natatapos sa tawanan at biruan.

Naalala ko pa sa tuwing may hiling ako sayo hindi mo ako binibigo, minsan may sobra pang bigay. Lagi mo ako niyayaya lumabas at syempre kumain (kasi yun ang hilig natin), ako lang ang madalas na hindi nakakarating.

Pero ni minsan hindi mo ako sinumbatan. Ikaw pa ang nagsasabi "babawi na lang tayo sa susunod."

Wala ka pa atang nasuway na usapan natin, sa pagkakatanda ko. Pero pag ako ang may kakulangan (dahil late, di dumating, di tumupad), ikaw padin ang pumupuno--masahe, dinner treat, movie, pabango, libro, at iba pa--ang kapalit.

Ang dami kong gustong ikwento sayo! Ang dami kong gustong itanong! Ang dami kong gustong gawin kasama ka! Loko ka, namimiss na kita. Pinaiyak mo pa ako ngayon.

Alam mo ba na gusto paghindi mo ako kinakampihan pero hindi mo ako iniiwanan tapos yayayain mo akong kumain para magkwentuhan at doon mo ako sasabunin pag tayong dalawa lang ang magkaharap, na kahit nagdedebate na tayo at nagtataasan ng boses... Tapos madighay lang tayo at magtatawanan na?!

Ikaw lang ang lalakeng kabiruan ko (pero may laman) pag may nagawa tayong mali sa paningin ng isa’t isa at sasabihing "Hindi mali ang ginawa mo. Mali lang siguro ang instruction ko. Ikaw ang pinakalovable na tao kaya magbago ka na ha... May ibubuti ka pa."

Ikaw ang kapalitan ko ng sekreto. Alam mo ang kiliti ko at kung paano ako ichallenge at imotivate. Alam mo kung paano palambutin ang matigas kong ulo at sakyan ang kabaliwan ko. Ikaw ang nakakaexplain at nakakalinaw ng maraming bagay na kahit tayong dalawa ay natatawa na lang sa sinasabi natin.

Miss na kita! Ikaw ang nag-iisang lalakeng literal kong tinawid ang bundok at ilog makita ka lang.

Buti nahalikan kita, nayakap, at natapik sa huli nating pagkikita. Hanggang ngayon di ako makapaniwala na hindi na tayo magkikitang muli.

Sa isip ko nasa isla ka lang, sa bago mong tahanan at pamilya. Ang masakit, sobrang buhay ka pa sa alaala ko dahil ganito tayo dati, buwanan bago nagkikita, pero kahit kailan kita gustong kausapin andiyan ka.

Ikaw ang pinangarap kong kuya na sobrang mapagmahal at mapagalaga sa iba't ibang paraan, at sobrang mahal ang Diyos na pinagsilbihan mo siya bilang pari ng 1 taon at 5 buwan bago ka umuwi sa Kanya.

Bro, miss na kita! Gusto kitang tawagan at kausapin. Pero iba na ngayon. Kahit gaano ka kabuhay sa isip at pakiramdam ko, di na kita makakausap at mayayakap pang muli.

Maraming salamat pinaramdam mo sa akin ang magkaroon ng mabuting kuya kahit sa dumi ng kuku hindi tayo magkadugo.

Naririnig ko ang tawa mo sa tuwing magaasaran tayo... Maraming salamat sa purong pagmamahal at pagbibigay ng walang kapalit.

At least nagyon, tutulog ako na alaala ko ang ngiti mo at rinig ko sa isip ko ang tawa mo. Malungkot man, masaya na din ako kasi nakita kitang masaya muli kahit sa imahinasyon lang.

Salamat na din sa isang tasa ng kape. Isang gabi ng pagtulog ko kabutihan mo ang isip ko.

Level Up and Roar

There are a lot of things—both pleasant and unpleasant—in life that escape our senses from being recognized as the actual answers to the ones we had long been yearning for.

Others are undeniably good (or sometimes sugar-coated bitter gourd) that we easily discern, or claim, them as the answers to our yearnings. Some have façade that are rather unfamiliar, gloomy, scary, and sometimes pain-inducing, that just by the mere sight of them we shiver.

Nonetheless, only when we have already gone through the frontage that we come to realize that inside there is an overflowing abundance of great things that are just part of the answers to our prayers—more wonderful things are yet to come. We just have to take some courageous steps forward to experience them—God doesn’t want us to just see them from afar, but to experience them and own them ourselves.

I wouldn’t appreciate the value of challenging moments—melancholic, scarcity, chaotic—if had easily thrown my hands up and go back to my comfort zone.

Because of those moments I now see things more beautifully; I have more patience to wait; I have more energy and reasons to inspire myself to keep going; I become happier; and I don’t easily get worried nor easily get mad.

Certainly life has become brighter and lighter for me.

In times of surrendering things, I wouldn’t realize the genuine and wonderful freedom I am entitled to have, which I enjoy right now, if I tied myself to a certain sugar-coated, glazed with honey and strawberry uninteresting routine. I could have blinded myself and regret my life years before I pass.

If I didn’t take bold steps forward perhaps until now I am stuck with round-about questions and deceptively see the putrid fantasy as the nirvana, when in fact it is just the distorted shadow of reality.

Life is much much more meaningful than my own fancy, than the life in the cave.

It’s a wonderful feeling for once in my life I have my own time and I don’t have to worry about someone or something else before the right time when I will forever be committed. It’s nice if I can responsibly freely do whatever I want to do which I could no longer enjoy when I grow old because it may no longer be inappropriate for my age. It’s wonderful to break free to give other people and other hobbies importance than just focusing my energy and time to one person or thing.

It’s beneficial to note that without the uncomfortable feeling induced by the unfamiliar façade, I wouldn’t be able to clearly see and optimize my ‘built-in healer’ [of emotional and physical infirmity] and to realize more fully the essence of ‘enjoying and loving ourselves in generous and humble manner first so when our happiness and love overflow we can reach and touch more and more people.

Now I see it better…

Good thing I wasn’t specific with my prayer that time, when I was still unripe and a cab asking God for happier life, more meaningful moments, and enjoyable youth. I wasn’t specific because I wasn’t sure if I was genuinely happy with where I was. Now, I have unlocked my life for and welcomed more loved ones.

The deepest fibers of my humanity have now been awakened to enjoy the reality, no matter how sour or spicy they get.

If I didn’t break free and didn’t take bold moves, I would certainly catch myself right now sitting on the corner still bargaining for more interesting and meaningful life—I mean the one which is anchored to His word and has limitations, for only when you know your boundaries that you can actually act in liberty.

When things are really not meant to be, the more you try to fix things, all the worse and complicated things get.

It’s amazing that God gives us a birth right to be constantly in molding process until we become who He intends us to be. No matter how painful the process is, He keeps on pouring us strength and wisdom. No matter how many times we turn our back from Him because of pain, He keeps on coming back to our heart just to give us our gift of eternal wonderful life.

Like a potter, God constantly moves and tosses things until we become the kind of person He shaped us to be and until we receive the ever-wonderful life He designed us to have.

It only takes a faith like a mustard seed that flourishes into a humongous tree of enlightenment and victory for us to enter into the paradise He prepared for us.

At last, like a cab turning into  lion I have transcended the hill of the unfamiliar feat and now roaring triumphantly on the peak of the mountain of victory.