Confession of a Sinner: Humbled through the Emotional Vampire

I no longer want to be a victim of my own crime responding to his empty words, I told myself.

It’s semestral break already, but I still have exams. So, I am left alone in the metro as my brother went home for vacation.

All Soul’s Day is nearing. My neighbor who lived right beside our unit died just last August. The TV is featuring horror stories as I write at this moment.

I am not afraid for some reason. I know my God is always with me; I feel strongly secured. Nothing is to be feared, for God is beside us all the time.

Rather, I am afraid of my emotional vampire.

For the past months, I have been bothered by someone part of my history. I don’t know what exactly his motive was, but he was trying to be nice and good all of a sudden. Same pattern, same story. But I am giving benefit of the doubt that his good side urged him to do some good things, which for some reason I don’t know what and why.

I am a sinner. I am like any mortal who sins every single day.

I get angry.

I hate.

I say hurtful words.

Whatever my motive is—good or bad; white lie or plain truth; protect myself or avoid pain; tough love or indifference—the point is I sin. I do not and will not justify my actions with whatever good reasons and valid logic I may recite.

Outrightly, I sin.

I am humbled.

God is a very loving God. He looks past our mistakes, shortcomings, and failures; rather He looks at our potential.

Just the other day, I was so affected by the surprise that the person in my past have had done. In the middle of my refreshed joy and good disposition, I was practically awakened by his presence.

Boom! My heart exploded again. Debris of love, hurt, joy, sadness, hope, resistance combined and scattered everywhere I turned to.

I have forgiven him for all the hurts he caused me for very long years two years ago. I haven’t seen him for a little over a year. You can imagine my world when he showed up one day by surprise.

I thought to myself, “God, I am a sinner. I am weak. I might get even or carry a grudge or consciously let myself be fooled again. Guide me and may Your will be done for the best of us.”

I opened up myself to various emotions. Always reminding myself to give the person the chance to do whatever good he has in mind so he could be freed from the yoke he was carrying as he claimed.

I thought I already closed the door of the past and threw away the key that I would no longer be affected. But when his empty words came rushing again, I felt uncomfortable. At first I was hurt. I thought I was hurt. But as the events unfolded and same pattern happened again, I recognized, my feeling was not only hurt, but already with dash of annoyance and a tinge of anger.

I no longer want to be a victim of my own crime responding to his empty words, I told myself.

Two years ago, I gave what he asked of me. I let go of the treasure I held for a long time. I moved on on my own. I minded my own business. I never bothered the person, no matter how much the world inside me was quaking. I went away silently. I forgave. I wished him well.

The hurt has been dashed with anger after I clearly and honestly told him again my feelings and condition—I am not yet okay. I am still in the process of healing. Please let me move on as you live your own life.

He was with her, but he looked for my new address and tried to cut-and-paste me in his life.

That is foolishness and that greatly insulted me.

I have just been bitten by an emotional vampire. My energies were sucked out.

No one to blame, but myself for letting it happen. I admit, I allowed myself to be bitten. I could have been careful, but I was not.

The good news is, God only wants the best for us.

Everything happens for a good reason. God’s hands are at work in our lives preparing us to rightfully receive His amazing blessings.

I am a sinner. I am tempted. I get mad. I desire earthly pleasures.

But through God’s gift of grace, we are renewed and cleansed every single day.

It is by God’s great love and mercy that we are saved—not through ourselves, not a single goodness of hand, so no one can boast of his greatness.

Each day comes, each day I sin.

Each day I sin, each day God forgives and cleanses me.

With very thankful heart, I will do my best not to let His love be futile in my life.

I let God hold my hands, rather than I holding his hands. For as human as I am, I am inclined to let go of His hands in times of convenience, of earthly pleasure, or in times of difficulty.

With God’s guidance and leading, I know each thing every single day is wired to improve me and prepare me for His best for me.

Without delay, I am confessing the contents of my sinful heart after He surprised me with a very moving and touching words for me today, through the day’s readings and gospel… all to give thanks to Him and bring honor and glory to His name.

Like the crippled woman healed on the Sabbath, God healed and re-assured me by speaking directly to my sinful, heavy, and struggling heart as He always does, at His perfect timings…

Readings and Gospel for Monday, October 29, 2012:

            Ephesians 4:32-5:8

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 5 ¹ Follow God’s example,therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

³ But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. ⁴ Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. ⁵ For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.^[e]6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. ⁷ Therefore do not be partners with them.

⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 

            Psalm 1:1-2, 3, 4, and 6

¹ Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
² but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

⁴ Not so the wicked!
    They are like chaff
    that the wind blows away.
⁶ For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
    but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

            Luke 13:10-17

¹⁰ On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, ¹¹ and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years.She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. ¹² When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” ¹³ Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

¹⁴ Indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, the synagogue leader said to the people, “There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not on the Sabbath.”

¹⁵ The Lord answered him, “You hypocrites! Doesn’t each of you on the Sabbath untie your ox or donkey from the stall and lead it out to give it water? ¹⁶ Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?”

¹⁷ When he said this, all his opponents were humiliated, but the people were delighted with all the wonderful things he was doing.

As the Halloween approaches, let us not quiver in terror of the scary images in our minds.

Instead, let us be willing to face head on our emotional vampires that suck the energy out of us and recognize the power of God in turning these vampires into blessings in our lives—not only to see ourselves more clearly, but to allow ourselves to be healed to help others and be saved to serve others.

Knowing our sources of burden or sin should not be confused with condemning others and think highly of ourselves; but to know our weak buttons so we can offer them to God for healing. That our wounds become a source of healing for others we meet along our life’s journey.

I am no sinless; but through God’s grace I strive to sin less and less.

I was hurt. I got mad. I sinned. Now, I am humbled by God’s grace.

Instead to get scared on All Soul’s Day, I am choosing to pray for the Soul’s of our faithful departed and to reflect on my soul’s condition to bring back into kilter, as how God wants us to be—faithful and living in light.