(While writing this blog I’m sitting next to my friends who are drinking, smoking, and eating pizza and pasta.)
Many times I attempted to put an end to several things—vices, habits, relationships, recurring thoughts. In the same way, I also budged myself a lot of times to put my hands on something and get rolling—work, assignments, keypad, book.
Now I’m in the middle of a stash of different finales. Sometimes I catch myself already totally on my back on one thing. At times, I spot my other foot trying to step back to another thing.
(Now, one of my friends talks about how she stopped smoking for 3 months… and now she’s back on the coffin nail due to some personal reasons, which I myself used also to justify my puffing.)
Going back… I’m glad I’m surviving this self-made ordeal [on a lot of things]. Although at times I swag, fortunately, I still manage to immediately get back up. All this is just a war between two internal factors, between level of determination and level of resistance to external pressure.
When I finally decided to stop some of my pernicious habits that I know, though others don’t manifest yet, cause my body to deteriorate, I started seeing the rough sail away from the old wharf as fun and enjoyable.
I challenge myself. If I stagger, I immediately pick up myself and find reasons to laugh at myself while challenging myself even more, rather than blame myself and totally give in.
When I overcome the temptation, I feel great and empowered—which pumps me up even more to continue overcoming some more temptations. “Keep coming bastard, make me feel even better and victorious!”
There were times that no matter how determined I was, my pernicious habits kept on pulling me back after couple of weeks, days, and sometimes after few minutes of supposed to be fruitful struggle.
Things are different now.
Yes, I can honestly feel the distinction. I am more focused and enjoying my move forward. I discovered a powerful spur. However, I really have to dedicate myself to this discovery if I want to see myself a victor in the end.
I discovered the power of ‘loving oneself and life’.
Of course I love myself even before. That was why I’ve come to a point of confusing ‘loving oneself’ with ‘excess pride’. Now, correcting the level of my pride is also part of my ordeal.
Through experience, and surely through His works in my life, I found out that I just have to truly know my priorities (short-term) and my goals (long-term) to align my stars and serve myself well. Part of this self-appraisal is the discernment of pure and benevolent core of priorities and goals.
While helping myself to leave my chain smoking vice, I’m respecting my friends’ smoking habits. Sometimes, I still do social smoking. I’m still looking for an alternative feat in place of smoking.
As I gradually shift from porky and beefy meal to fish-and-vegetables, I don’t care about my friends’ food choice. What is more important is we eat together and enjoy our own meals.
In closing my doors and windows to a surrendered relationship, I respect the other person’s individuality and character. I no longer care if he’s good or bad, or has been an angel or a pain in the ass. I just mind my own business and move forward composed, focusing only on wonderful things, and with an excited heart that is ready to receive more graces from Him.
With my struggle to drink more water and pee more often, I set my mind to fight against my own will. Whenever I control my bladder, all the more I drink water and hurry to the toilet.
In times when I feel more like holding on to my stuff—money, food, time—all the more I share it with others.
If I love myself and I love life, then I have to live a better life with a happier relationship with more people. Only by training my mind to be sincerely dedicated to my priorities and goals will I achieve my targets. And by becoming victorious over my duel against myself will I feel more empowered—without having to intentionally annoy, hurt, use, or step on others.
Every battle to be won is just a battle against oneself.
When you totally become the master of yourself, no matter what other people will do or say to you, though you may wobble, you can handle well. No matter what you decide to do about yourself, you can achieve with a happy and grateful disposition no matter how long or short it happens.
Be your own captain! Enjoy the sail to the island of abundance!
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