To be fair though, a month before that obscene experience was the doom of our 10 years 8 months bond. Let’s just call it that way. So maybe, just maybe, for him he has now the total freedom to do whatever pleases him, whoever gets hurt or affected. End is end. Hence, so be it.
By the way, it was his personal decision to cut the strings. He welcomed me with that good news (as I see it now) the very day I arrived from a good vacation with my family back home.
Sure things were hard at first. Initially, I had a lot of questions to ask and things to say to practically almost every person in front of me, not discounting him. But I’m wiser than that… I kept my mouth shut and just rolled with the punches.
I have a good friend who stayed beside me through and through my journey in that dark tunnel of adjustment, perhaps. No no no, let’s call it… my journey along the foggy avenue of adjustment.
She never got tired of asking me how I was. That time, I didn’t feel like verbalizing all that I felt and gone through thinking that my feelings’ natural death would just be delayed.
Yes I opened up. I needed that. But only vague ideas and only a fourth of my experiences had I unlocked.
I was already okay with seeing people or being surrounded by a friend or two. I was fine with that. I wanted to keep my mouth shut and just open up few things when my chest almost outburst.
The only One whom I was spilling everything to was my Man, my God. Whenever I felt like crying or panicking or shouting or asking a lot of things I just went to His place. The solemn Adoration Chapel has been my comfort zone and courage zone, at the same time.
His place was a couple of blocks away from home. I enjoyed every walk to the shabby chic place. As I walk I could free my mind up. I could think better and breathe comfortably. There I could think of gradually forgiving and even thanking him for what he had done to me.
Just like my easy walks, the days passed unnoticed. The keen-to-details in me knew its place. Since I told myself to train my mind, my sharp memory just operates when necessary and hibernates when becoming unhelpful.
Since day one until now, my safest and most comfortable refuge is Him. After all the pain the separation had caused me and the fast-paced, faster than a bullet train, events that really overwhelmed me, only Him gave me a total power-rest and freshing up.
Fortunately God is in the business of filling up vacuum and empty spaces in our lives.
So instead of just letting my energy fritter away and letting myself drown into the murky situation, I went to Him and decided to give up everything and to give my all as I raised the white flag.
Only when we totally, as in totally, surrender to Him all our worries and fears can He totally work into our lives—filling us up with all the strength and wisdom we need so we can turn the situation around and still be grateful about everything.
Now I see the situation as a blessing in disguise.
Early this year I sincerely and completely decided to serve Him and know Him better, by then I said we would do it together. But then we went separate ways, but it’s all fine now. Maybe if things didn’t happen two months ago, maybe by now I am still be figuring things out on how I will better serve and know Him.
In the last two months, I was always greeted by surprises each day how He revealed Himself to me… without effort, I have adjusted very well and progressed every day. It’s because as He unfolds my days, He draws me closer to Him—wraps me with the sweet protection of His word and lays me to the comfort of His unconditional love.
There are things that we tackle with friends and loved ones. But there are also things that we only discuss between Him and ourselves. Just like what Abraham did when he was asked to offer Isaac in the mountain.
I am wiser than just depend on y own strength and on mortal’s understanding.
God is asking us to give our all to Him so we can tap all our potentials, and when we feel drained that's the time He steps in so He can provide us with more of His abundance.
With all that happened, I lost one thing but gained a looooooot of great things—know myself better, closer to loved ones, opportunity to correct my mistakes, brighter and lighter life, and most importantly, the Source of all things is holding my hands tightly as I am knowing Him deeper.
Then it’s not that bad to give up some not-so-good-but-feel-good things after all, no matter how short or long we’ve been holding on to it.
That decade? Oh, it was not a waste of time. He was cooking up a good big platter of life’s best for me. Now, it’s freshly served and I’m enjoying and sharing it with you.
Oh I forgot to mention him. I think he’s now enjoying the life he's long been wanting to have (if only he had been honest with me, I could have understood him better and given him earlier what he wanted and we both could have refrained from investing into the relatioship and from hurting each other). But God knows best. He is never late. He's not in a hurry. and He's always on time.
Snapping back to my sanity, I took the courage to talk to him and I told him "I am not mad and I am wishing you well." It helped me to cope with and advance in my life better.
Snapping back to my sanity, I took the courage to talk to him and I told him "I am not mad and I am wishing you well." It helped me to cope with and advance in my life better.
One thing! God is more concerned on changing YOU than changing your circumstances. He is just building your faith and perseverance as He prepares you to receive more and more blessings without getting puffed up and overwhelmed.
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